If you are reading this and you already have feelings of wanting to get away from your partner, you need to just do it, and do it now. Time only makes it harder in every possible aspect of your life, emotionally, physically, financially, etc.
Okay, so let’s say you are not too happy, and you are definitely not as happy as you used to be in your relationship. Deep down you have an inkling that something is wrong, or just not right. And to be honest, it’s probably more than an inkling, and you probably know that it’s abusive. You may be reading this thinking about how your relationship is not how you pictured a good relationship to be.
When someone is in denial they do not want to see the signs of abuse. They want to ignore what’s really going on. From the outside looking in, it can be so much easier to see the signs of abuse. It’s like putting a frog in a pot of boiling water. The forg will surely jump out, but put him in cool water and slowly raise the temperature, and you can cook the frog because he will not get out, he will become dinner(I love this example). Here are some clear examples of abuse and examples of actions that are precursors to abuse. These examples will almost all of the time be present in abusive people.
- He uses your money, car, and says he will pay you back, but doesn’t.
John would always say from the very beginning that we share money, but it always seemed like I was getting the short end of the stick. Sounds strange after him bragging about how much money he makes, doesn’t it? He made promises he never came through on, and he would make excuses for why we needed to use my things, and why he needs to drive my car. This abuse is not like a punch to the face but more like common characteristics of a person that is abusive. John made me get my first traffic ticket (and to date my only ticket) by making me take an illegal left hand turn (to show me his office), which led to me being pulled over and getting a ticket. He said not to worry and that he would pay for it. Guess who never paid the ticket after me reminding him multiple times? Since he took all my money I couldn’t pay it, and this eventually led to me getting my license suspended. Hard lesson number one.
Abusers are typically users as well. Hey, it’s even in the name abUSER. Abusive people use other people in all cases of abusive relationships I have come across. It starts off with very subtly things like taking money, cars, etc., with promise of repayment or something of that nature. Look out for that and do not discount it as nothing, because it is a red flag and a big clue to the type of person that tends to be abusive. If you feel like you are getting the short end of the stick, then be cautious.
- He/She tells you that no one in your life has ever really loved you the way they do.
This type of behavior often extends to him/her saying negative things about your family and friends. It says a lot about someone’s character when they think everyone close to you has a flaw. He will be finding flaws in you eventually, and making you believe those flaws. This leads you into thinking you and you alone need to change. The power the abuser has to completely flip the reality of a situation is beyond words. I was coerced into believing that I needed therapy and prescription drugs because my behavior was so erratic. Being regularly abused will do that to a person. I was coerced to believe that my parents didn’t really love me, and were only holding me back. I was coerced to believe that no one would ever love me as much as him. Some good advice to keep in mind when someone is saying something like that to you is to remember that they may actually believe that statement because they are already so off base from reality. The reason that he/she can be so convincing is because they are very good at manipulation and wholeheartedly believe their own lies.
You will be told about the strong love they have for you as a means to assure you that they would never hurt you because they love you so much. As the abuse continues, people will then think it is something they are doing wrong, and it’s something that can be fixed. Many women have a “wanting to fix everything” nature. When we stay in an abusive relationship to fix what’s wrong so it can be like how it was in the beginning, we are only making it harder on ourselves. The truth is the abusive relationship is only fixed when you are no longer in that relationship. To think you need to stay in a relationship to help someone by trying to change him or her so they will not hurt any people in future relationships is backwards logic. You cannot help them because your abuser has no respect for you. Wanting to help whoever gets involved with your abuser after you is admirable, but a lost cause. Do not get sucked up in this thinking, as you will only get hurt more.
“In the beginning my partner was nice and he was everything I ever wanted, so if we can just get back to that everything will be fine.” Sound familiar? This is far from the truth because there is no going back to the beginning. Stop living in the past is one of the best pieces of advice a person can live by. You can tell yourself all day that since your abuser loves you so much he wouldn’t hurt you on purpose, but those are words coming straight from a person’s mouth that is being abused, or in denial about being abused. I know I told myself that story countless times.
This is all part of the formula abusers use to keep their prey locked up. Sounds dramatic? Well it is dramatic. I was living a horror film for two years, and let me tell you it was more dramatic than most movies. I was in a living hell. Each day was a struggle and each day came with new challenges. All abusers will tell you how much they love you so you will stay. They will be very dramatic about it as well. They go as far to say no one else loves you and to make it even more dramatic, they usually say “I love you” very quickly. Beware of the dramatic over pouring of “I love you,” especially if it comes too soon.
- “It’s okay, he only gets like that when he drinks.”
If you have ever thought this in your head, or any version of this, then please think about the possibility that you are in an abusive relationship, because you are. You should never be afraid of someone that you are in a relationship with, ever. I was afraid constantly. I was afraid that if he weren’t pleased then he would take it out on me, or make my life miserable for that night. He would get a thousand times worse if he drank, but the drunk, scary, and mean John was still there when he was sober. Do not make excuses for people just because they are drunk. Heck I get drunk with my boyfriend now and we always have a blast together.
Alcohol is widely known to cause problems for people, and people are well aware that alcohol can escalate situations into painful and dramatic nights, so wake up and smell the roses. If you and your partner get into fights, arguments or cause any drama almost every time you drink, then please stop lying to yourself and move on with your life. You do not want that person in your life, and they are not meant to stay in your life. We all know that something is not right, but we continue to lie to ourselves for the hope that the sober apology the next morning is a real sign they love you and would never hurt you. This was a broken record for me a couple years ago, and thinking about it now makes me so happy knowing it is now a thing of that past.
I recently had an encounter with what I am describing, but instead of being the main character I was watching from the outside, and it was hard to stomach. It astonishes me how so many of us will take one kind materialistic “trying to be nice” act in exchange for hundreds of abusive and emotionally painful acts. Like somehow that makes up for it. “Here is a necklace and a rose, please forgive me for hitting you and yelling at you all night long.” Patterns are patterns for a reason. They are predictable because 99% of the time you will get the same outcome. Please do not be the couple that drama and heartache surround at each party, event, evening, or just anytime in general.
The pain you may feel from leaving your partner is far less painful than another night of drunken torture. Get the excuses and hollow apologies over with for good, and move on. I cannot see a friend go through this and simply not say anything. Ask yourself, is it really the alcohol’s fault? Of course not! Alcohol is not an excuse; it is an amplifier of what is already present!
Red flags will most likely turn into full-fledged abuse when someone is intoxicated. Do not make this excuse because people get seriously injured and even murdered in abusive relationships. There were times during my two-year relationship with John that I thought I was going to die. And it all seemed to pop up for no reason. It went a little like this. He was mad about something, I do not remember what, and he was drunk, and had me on my back on the bed. He then put his hands over my mouth and nose really hard telling me to shut up. He did not let up. The feeling of being suffocated is probably the worst feeling I have experienced. The pressure of his weight and hands on my face and over my mouth and nose was painful and not being able to breath was pure torture. Does this sound like normal behavior for a partner? If you ever think that is okay because your partner was drunk and that wasn’t really him, then leave right now because you will not be saying that if you’re dead because he/she drank too much and things went a little too far. Do not let your abusive partner carry out their drunken charades on you any longer.
- You feel like he gets mad at you for little things, or you feel as though you can’t seem to do anything right.
If you feel like this, it is never a good sign. And remember that people project what they do not like about themselves onto those closest to them. For instance, I would be yelled at and constantly bullied over “our” money. Even the money I would spend on “our” groceries, he would get angry about. Say the bill would come to 60 dollars, and I bought things like laundry detergent and toilet paper; this would cause him to flip out. Seriously, he would give me a hard time about everything. In reality, he had such bad habits with his money throughout his life that he projected that onto everything I would buy. I could not buy anything for myself, even with my own money, because he would get mad at me and cause a fight. This would always cause a drama filled evening, and so I learned not buy anything for myself to avoid the lash out. A general concern about someone’s spending habits is okay if justified, but when it feels like nothing you do is ever okay then there is a problem. My ex would get mad at me for buying my favorite soap, but spending 20 plus dollars a night on a bottle of vodka or wine, or cigarettes for himself everyday was fine. I do not smoke, so this one never made sense to me, and for good reason. Listen to your inner voice.
Another example of me feeling like everything I did caused a fight included his son. Yes, my John also had a young son. I know it’s scary to think that his son is still living alone with this monster. Elaboration required, so I will delve into that later. There was one morning in particular where I had a day off during the week, so this meant I could finally sleep in. We all know how great that feels. I have no kids and I was doing a really great job adjusting to being a mother figure, and doing noticeably more than John as far as childcare. It was another freezing cold morning like so many in New York, and all I wanted to do was stay under the covers for a little while longer before starting my day. When I wanted to sleep in that morning my John was not having it.
Here is a little more background about John and his relationship with his son. John would often call in sick and blame it on his son. I would guess at least once a week. More often than not, he would stay home, or “work from home” and blame it on his son. John even created a stomach cancer as to explain why he was getting sick so often to a former employer. This stomach cancer story was so elaborately described to everyone that I really think he started to believe it. I never saw any documents or talk to any doctors and I knew it was a lie, but stayed quiet due to the fear I had of him. He lied to his whole family at dinner and told them he took his son to the dentist to fix all the problems with his teeth. He never took him to the dentist, I did, and that was just for the check up. John told me he wasn’t going to spend money to fix his sons baby teeth, even though his son was in pain constantly from his severe cavities. Another example of this obscene lying behavior is at his previous job in California, where he created a stroke, and some other disorder just to miss work or sleep in.
Back to my original point, on this particular morning, John was getting ready for work and his son was getting dressed for school, when he yelled at me to get out of bed and brush his son’s hair. Silly of me to believe that a child can do hair brushing at the age of eight. Not to mention that I spent time teaching his son how to brush his own hair many times prior to that morning, and the hair is short which is very easy to brush. I told John that his son knows how to brush his own hair, and he can do it himself. This my friends, is when John flipped out on me. John continued to yell, call me names, and tell me I do nothing to help him or his son, and how dare I not help his son. On a side note, I was the one who would help his son get ready, fix him lunch, and drive or walk him to school before I went to work, so on this rare occasion, I felt I warranted a leisurely morning. Apparently he did not agree. He got his scary face on, and this was a typical start to a fight we would have. He continued to bombard me with verbal abuse and threats to my well-being. What a lovely morning!
After experiencing a number of these fights, trust me you will be doing anything in your power to avoid them from happening again. But the scary part is, that most of the time, when I tried to avoid these events, they kept happening anyway. Not only did they happen anyway, but they would get continuously worse. This is when it seems nothing we do stops the abuse, and nothing we do is right in the abusers eyes.
This type of behavior over time is what affects the person being abused and changes them into being bullied, push around, and defenseless. Which also turns into reasons that keep us in the relationship. We lose ourselves, and our sense of self-worth. We feel powerless, because after living under such conditions for so long we become powerless to the abuser, and that is why some people never leave the relationship, and unfortunately some people stay until they grow old and/or just die.
- Asks too many questions, and also gets mad at your answers?
This red flag is especially a weird one, and it also happened intensely in the beginning of my abusive relationship. I know now that this is a huge deal in abusive people’s behavior, and I wish I caught on to it sooner. He would ask me questions for hours upon hours about my past. This is not the typical, how many guys have you dated etc.; these were detailed questions about everything I have ever done in my past, including my past relationships, or just anything in general. He would ask me questions, then get mad at me for the answers I would give. It made me super defensive and reluctant to tell him anything, which, you guessed it, would lead to an even bigger blow out. He would get mad because he believed I was withholding information. John perceived this as me hiding something because I was ashamed of it, or it was negative in some way. I do not mind an inquisitive person, but I do believe that when someone gets so mad about your past for no real reason, it is a huge red flag that foretells his or her insecurities and potential for abusive behavior.
Abusers feel that they own you like a piece of property. They do not like the fact that you were ever with anyone else, and they also do not like you hanging out with friends alone either. Abusers do not usually trust you to be alone and try to prevent that from happening at all costs. People should not care about someone’s past if they truly like them for who they are, because it’s their past that made them who they are today. One should not care about past love, because everything happened perfectly to get you two to that point. An abuser does not think like that because they feel that you are hiding something, because abusers always have something to hide. This is where projection comes in again. They are projecting their past onto you, holding everything you have done as evidence that you need help and need to stay with them. Of course this varies from case to case, but I do not know a single abusive relationship that did not have a fight about the abusee’s past. And don’t forget that a fight or argument will usually end in you apologizing for your words and your past.
Many sleepless nights and tears have been shed from John’s relentless questioning. There is nothing wrong with being honest about your past, and if someone makes you feel bad for the answers you provide, take that as a sign that they are not the right fit for you. No one should spend their life feeling bad about one’s past or be criticized about the past. It is in the past, so if you are not excited about your past, then learn from it and move on.
- Your family does not approve.
Family is not always right. Trust me, just because you share similar relatives does not mean they are always superior in knowledge. But it is pretty legitimate for me to say that family can sense if a significant other is miss-treating you in any way. You may try to hide it, and defend your partner, but most close family or friends can see right through that. When you keep defending, doesn’t it seem like you shouldn’t have to always defend your partner? That is a huge red flag the size of Texas. I know you do not want to be wrong, especially after the efforts you put into convincing them, but trust me it is easier to set your ego aside then to live any further in an abusive relationship. Family can sense a difference in you, and if it is coming from a negative thing like an abusive partner then the people around you will know and most likely tell you. Listen to them, but ultimately you need to feel the same way in order to leave. Not wanting to go to family functions is also a sign of potential abuse. Being persuaded to not go to family functions, and being told it is okay not to go is also a red flag. Ask yourself why would he not want to go? Is he trying to keep you from your family and friends because they might tell you to leave him? These are all questions to ask if any of these stories sounds familiar.
Does your partner think that it’s okay for you to go out with friends or family without them? People who love you should encourage time spent with family and friends if that is what you choose to do. If you want to go out with sisters or best friends, nobody that loves you should negatively interfere with that. Too often people get slowly stripped away from their family and friends by their partner.
- Does your partner encourage you to be a better person?
This is a question you should always ask yourself. Be honest. Is your life better or worse since being with your partner? Is he/she adding to your joy, or taking from it? This may seem silly or obvious but it is the most common thing people overlook. Is love and success easily coming your way with this partner in your life? With my experience, my life and everything in it started to crumble when I was with “John”. My finances were shot, and relationships with family and friends were broken. I was not eating well and I stopped exercising. I was depressed for the first time and found myself doing things I normally would never do. I ate junk food almost all the time and had zero motivation for life. The person you share your life with should want you to be the best you that you can be and generally should encourage that. When you are with the right partner things come together, they do not fall apart. Look at your relationship and see if everything has gotten better or worse since you have met. Be honest and do not make excuses. Not having much money does not mean it is right for anyone to mentally, emotionally, or physically abuse you.
- Are you comfortable talking with your partner?
This one is very important. Listen up, or I guess since this is a book, read carefully. When you are honest, then anything you say is the right thing. You can be wrong, but that’s fine. You live and learn, but the lesson here is to not be afraid to say what you think is honest. People in abusive relationships can fear saying the truth to their partner and how they truly feel because they want to avoid a confrontation or argument. We want to avoid any escalation of abuse or anything that will make it worse than it already is. In my case, I wanted to avoid the constant bombardment of questioning, verbal abuse, cold shoulder, and physical abuse that I would get from him. The weird thing about being with an abusive partner is that you are always trying to please them, because the happier they are, the less likely it is for them to hurt you. This is a behavior that I learned quickly, and I am still at times struggling to get rid of. It definitely is a process, but I will tell you more later on about how to heal from the learned behaviors that the cycle of abuse can engulf you with.
Are you worried what your partner will think if you tell them the truth? This is very common and present in almost every abusive relationship. The conditioning that happens after so long of taking verbal or physical abuse from things that may have stemmed from you being honest creates new patterns. It seems easier and actually just safer to not say the truth to save yourself more abuse. This of course, is very unhealthy. It may sound obvious, but a good and healthy relationship is with two people who are not afraid to tell the other person the truth. Even white lies can become huge indicators of an unhealthy and possibly abusive relationship. We have to dig a little deeper to understand what we are hiding or protecting ourselves from. We may be protecting ourselves from potential abuse, whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical.
- Does your partner support your bigger dreams and goals in life?
Like I mentioned earlier, an abusive partner will ultimately want to keep you to themselves and away from other people or things that may sway you away from him/her. If you become successful then that could potentially make you rethink your choice in partner and feel more confident about leaving that unhealthy relationship. Control is huge for the abusive partner, and they want to keep it at all times, and any level of success for the other person threatens their ability to have full control.
In my case, one of the first things that happened after I started staying at his place was “we” decided it would make more sense for me to stay home to babysit so he wouldn’t have to pay for a sitter. I was young, still am, and in the middle of my twenties with the world as my oyster, and I was thrusted into being a full time stay at home nanny. It got to the point where he would not even take his kid to school anymore because he wanted to sleep in more. That was just the tip of the iceberg. Now I was doing the child care all day and night, putting his son to bed, making sure he brushed his teeth, while he was relieved from practically all child care duties. He promised he would pay my bills and so forth, but when that happened the bill was always paid late, or not at all. I thought I was going to have a glamorous life, but it was all lies. My dreams and goals took a back seat to supporting his dreams and goals, and making sure his son went to school on time, and having dinner ready when he got home. Someone can be persuaded into this life even if it’s not what they initially wanted, because of the manipulation and promise of something more, something better, and something amazing.
Make sure you are living your life, and also that you’re not the supporting actor in your life’s movie. Sure, maybe later on down the line, in a healthy relationship, it’s perfectly fine to support and help your partner in their dream, but that dream has to ultimately become your dream too, and it shouldn’t happen right away. Your partner should support your growth and your exploration of your dreams and goals, not stifle them so they never happen.
- What does your inner voice think of your partner?
Listen to that quiet inner voice, which is often ignored yet you can still hear exactly what it is saying. Most of the time our inner voice, or somewhere inside of us, knows that the relationship you are in is abusive and not healthy. Sometimes it is just our ego that wants to make things work. Are you sticking up for your partner all the time? Do you not like going to family functions because people do not like your partner? Your inner voice knows the answers to these questions, and you need to listen so you can take action to leave that abusive and toxic relationship. Does something inside of you know that the relationship is just not right? Almost every woman I have talked to, including myself, have all admitted that they knew deep down, or even not so deep down, that something wasn’t right, and the relationship was abusive in some way.
I will stop here with these examples of red flags and mention that if any one of the previous statements sound familiar you need to evaluate your relationship because, YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.